all i know is, someone sneezed on me in a bar late saturday night, and now i feel like death warmed over.
granted, my immune system was probably slightly weakened by all the "fun" i had been having since thursday night. it was 4th of july weekend, after all. but come sunday morning, i suspected that something wasn't right. then my boyfriend and i went to eat at a cajun restaurant. while he (himself a cajun) was having multiple orgasms with each mouthful, i was fighting desperately to keep the food in my stomach.
so i caught a cold. no biggie. but i was so congested that it sickened me to smoke.
i am a smoker. have been since college. i would get tonsillitis, colds, have oral and sinus surgery, and still be smoking. i quit several times, too. in fact, there are various groups of my friends who are convinced that i quit smoking at very different times. when i would start again, some would see me and that would be that. others, for some reason, i was ashamed to tell, and so i've lied for years to some of them to keep up the appearance that i had successfully walked away from flavor country 2 years ago. or 3 years ago, depending on who you ask. if my clothes smelled like smoke, i always had a smoking roommate to blame it on.
but this cold made smoking so nauseating, and i was in such a delirious state anyhow, that i decided to put the ciggies down.
that was monday. today is wednesday, and i am currently writing this from the farthest depths of hell. i remember that, the last time i quit, a lot of the withdrawal symptoms were similar to a cold/flu. so i can't tell where my cold is ending and where the nicotine withdrawal is beginning.
i decided to document what i'm going through so that, if i ever feel the "need" to start smoking again, hopefully this will convince me to stop myself. i have never been a non-smoker for any of my adult life (for any worthwhile period of time) so this is uncharted territory for me. but i know that i'm a singer, and my voice was better when i didn't smoke. i was the team captain of my cross country team in high school. now if i run down a city block i feel like my lungs are about to burst. i have been working out with pretty good results, but i've read that smokers are unable to build as much muscle as non-smokers for various reasons. and, honestly, every cliched reason to not smoke ("truth" anti-smoking campaigns and otherwise) are absolutely correct. smoking is self-destructive. indicative of self-loathing. so i'm going to do my damnedest to get over that.
so, lessee. i'll try to do this day by day, until the day arrives that i can say "i've never felt BETTER!" but from where i'm standing, that's a long way off...
sunday: onset of cold. still smoking like a chimney. eyes watery, congested lungs and sinuses, achy all over. must move slowly if at all.
monday: woke up, called in sick, dropped boyfriend off at work and smoked a cig on my way home. pretty much sweated in bed all day. fevers fight infection, so i was trying to make things as unbearable as possible for the little cooties in my body. as the day progressed, i didn't smoke anymore, and got more and more light-headed. by the time came to meet my boyfriend after work (and take him to dinner for being so good to me on sunday when i began to get ill) i was pretty incoherent. he gave me a cigarette, and instantly i was more lucid. achy, but still. smoked one more that night not long before bed.
tuesday: left boyfriend's, went home, showered, dragged ass to work. i probably shouldn't have even been driving. work was pretty much a day of watery eyes and itchy throat and trying to not sound too explosive when coughing for the sake of the two people i share an office with. i was stumbling around whenever i had to walk somewhere. someone here has to be suspicious of me. hell, i would be if i saw me. oh, and i must say that i am most impressed with my willpower. true, my determination to not smoke is impressive considering how easily i've given in before. but right now i'm talking about the fact that i have not bitten anyone's head off. if trite small talk and inane banter around the office bothers you to begin with, imagine having to put up with it when every single nerve in your body is SCREAMING full time.
wednesday. here i am. i decided to start writing about this when i woke up this morning and realized that i am not a whole lot better than i was yesterday. well, that's not entirely true. the sinuses are now only annoyingly clogged instead of faucet-esque, the eyes aren't as watery, and the lungs are a little less ticklish. but instead i feel like i'm 50 pounds heavier than i am. like some force is trying very hard to pull me under. like i just landed on a planet with more gravity than earth. and everything hurts. it hurts behind my eyeballs, especially when i blink. if i quickly dart my eyes to one side, the pain is enough to cause tears. my back? killing me. and it takes all the power i have to not grunt in discomfort when walking down the hall and someone might hear me.
so i'll continue this account when there's a new development. for the record, i seek no pity. this is nothing but a reminder to myself that i can be a real fucking idiot sometimes and i really need to cut it out.
Posted by ender101 at July 9, 2003 10:26 AM